Last October I once again attended the art fair in my hometown. I love tabling there because I get to see family that stops by. It's always a great way to catch up and this year was no different in that regard. However, the experience left me feeling a bit off balance. The art fair consists of a main venue and then various other locations across town and this time I was placed at one of the alternative locations. As you can imagine, not many visitors decided to (or even knew to) visit other locations like ours at the library. Once you’ve seen 30 or so artists at one location, you’re just not so curious anymore about the handful some ways away.
The library had done a great job at giving us wonderful ways to display our work and it was lovely to spend time in the library where my love of art started. A few meters from where I discovered my first Elfquest and my life changed forever. At the same time, I also felt like I didn’t quite fit in. At an art fair filled with (albeit mostly amateur), but still fine art, my work felt almost childish and was sometimes treated as such by visitors. Some visitors happily and excitedly perused my work but others turned up their noses, disappointed they’d made the walk over to a few silly drawings. And while that’s an assumption on my part, some of the comments of the patrons made it clear they felt that way.
At the same time, my display felt off to me. The sheer amount of products I had and really wanted to show off drowned out the 3 watercolour portraits I had brought that I hoped would be the star of this event. Not a single question was asked or a conversation had about those. And while I felt lucky I still managed to earn a bit of money through my prints and products, I was left feeling very unsatisfied. The whole thing left me feeling a bit off-kilter.
Lately it feels like my artistic heart is torn.
On the one hand my heart and head crave the direction I’ve been going in digitally. I have so many new products I want to make and illustrations I want to create (more on that later) that I feel genuinely excited about. On the other, a part of me yearns to create something with more meaning than the silly little cats I draw. A deep part of me wants to have a stronger impact on the world. I see TV shows where people work in care homes or as therapists and it seems like such a meaningful (if not exhausting) life. To help people. As an artist the logical question becomes; is art not meant to create meaning? Is art not meant to invoke feeling or recognition? Is that not what you are meant to do? Elevate your art, your voice and somehow have an impact on this world? I have ideas, sure. But when I put pen to paper what I find myself moving towards are illustrations that make me feel just a little bit of comfort. Rather than tackling those big emotions that scare me and turning them into art.
I also feel like these two directions cannot exist in my branding simultaneously. Not as it stands right now. I was discussing this during stream a while ago and someone suggested creating an alternative social media presence so I could indeed share both, without possibly alienating lovers of either style. It’s a suggestion that makes sense, although I feel hesitant to do so.
And so I feel stuck in between. Unsure what to do except to take the next step and draw the next line and just hope that things will become clearer as I go.
On top of this, I realized the other day how very few finished pieces I’ve created over the past year. I know there’s a very valid reason for that. Pain has made it almost impossible to create very much at all. Especially when I was also creating a new collection, and (with lots of help) getting that collection to their prospective owners!
And yet I can’t help but feel ashamed.
I am an artist, am I not? What do I do, if not create art?
I often struggle with the validity or meaning of my illustrations versus what is considered by many to be more ‘valid’ forms of art. High art, if you will. If it has meaning and a story, then it’s art. And yet, did Twitchcon not show me that so many people love and appreciate what I do. They did not find it meaningless or trivial. If anything, they found it joyful. Shouldn’t that be enough? In fact, did I not spend years extricating myself from this line of thinking to find the joy in creation instead of the expectation of being ‘artsy enough’? I know I could theoretically combine the two things. Create art that is both cute and meaningful. But the ideas that pop up in my mind do not fit that bill.
Maybe if I stop worrying so much over whether my art is valid enough, I might actually be able to finish more works?
And maybe I should clean up my desk more often. So I can pick up a brush or two again if the mood strikes.
Maybe... ;)
Love you ❤︎
Leonie
Comments